


Laughstuck

by TheEvilInThisChild666



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Comedy, Eventual Romance, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Puppets, Romantic Comedy, Shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-11-10 12:54:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 10,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11127387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheEvilInThisChild666/pseuds/TheEvilInThisChild666
Summary: A world of laughter and silliness awaits you as you try your hand at the stand-up gig and try to sort out your feelings for the Jim Henson wannabe.





	1. Blow Them Away

**Author's Note:**

> My first Homestuck...I know I'm late but I got the urge. The urge was an uncontrollable one to write a silly romance fic between two characters. This urge has been building inside me for many years, only now showing up when it is least convenient for it to appear. Now I would like to go more into my urge. Don't worry, this should only take a couple of paragraphs. You see, my urge first gestated when

You Are John Egbert

 

Ever since you were a kid, you wanted to make people LAUGH. You grew up on the teachings of JERRY SEINFELD, DAVE CHAPPELLE, and ROBIN WILLIAMS. You honed your craft in front of your classmates, causing teachers to complain about your TOMFOOLERY. You have been writing sets ever since you were in COLLEGE and their content made you moderately popular among your peers. Now fresh out of the university with a degree in PARANORMAL SCIENCE, you are looking to make a name for yourself in the WORLD OF LAUGHS. You managed to procure a gig at COLONEL SASSACRE'S HUT OF HOLLERS AND HOOTS. After spending over a week coming up with your routine, you head down to the club hoping to make quite the splash.

You show wearing a KNOCK-OFF GHOSTBUSTERS T-SHIRT and it's the first thing you point out in as you begin. You get a decent amount of laughs out of that and with renewed CHUTZPAH, you launch into a barrage of jokes about your NAME, your INTERESTS, and your EARLY CHILDHOOD. The audience sticks with you through most of the set but nearing the end, the laughs turn lukewarm and the attention begins to waver. They can't freeze up now, you're getting to the best part!

What do you do?

 

"Alright guys. Imagine, just imagine..." You begin to gesticulate as you talk. You start off subtle but make more sweeping motions as the hypothetical scenario goes on. "...That your friend has this bottle of apple juice. Now use even more of your imagination to wonder what would happen if you were to get that bottle. Maybe they gave it to you, maybe you stole it, maybe you're your friend and the bottle was obtained during one of your mysterious blackouts, whatever. Anyway, you get the bottle and they leave you alone for a bit. Now, you have a lot of ideas swirling around in your thinkpan. "What am I going to do with rich elixir? Perhaps I will drink it or I will chill it or I'll pour it on the next alien I run into to see if their skin is allergic to it like War of the Worlds and become hero." But no! I say no to all of that! Everyone knows that due to a loophole in the constitution, when your friend gives you a bottle of yellow liquid you are legally required to pour it out, pee in it, and give it back to them like nothing happened! Note that you can only pour this off if they leave the room and they have to leave for a while. Imagine if they walk in on you peeing in a bottle. That's a fucking moratorium on any public appearances for a while."

The audience...

_The audience..._

**_THE AUDIENCE..._ **

...Let out a collection of chuckles and short laughs with a dash of clapping. You were hoping for a bigger ovation, but you'll take what you can get and you're low on material anyway. You put the mic back on the stand and wave at the audience.

"Thank you, you've been a lovely audience. I mean, you probably shouldn't be relying on compliments from a guy who needs glasses but I bet you all look great! See ya!"

You walk off stage to moderate applause. You don't believe it. Your first real gig and you didn't completely bomb. This calls for a celebration. You're going to go home, crack open an Ecto Cooler, cook up some leftover wings and maybe see what all the fuss is about with that new Baywatch movie. You're so excited you can barely see where you're going...thus explaining why you ruthlessly bumped the club owner to the floor.

"Holy crap, are you okay?!" You help her as she adjusts her hairband.

"I assure you that I am all right. Look, if you are this excited to get paid..."

You begin to shake your head so much you can feel your glasses beginning to fall off. "No no no, I wasn't trying to shake you down or anything. I was just...uh..." Your explanation trails off as you see her struggle not to laugh.

"Sorry. I have to have my own fun every once in a while." She hands you a small amount of legal tender. You give a toothy grin as you pocket it.

"That's going right into my Netflix fund."

Suddenly, and by suddenly I mean with such little warning that you swore that you blacked out for a few seconds, a man appears next to the two of you. He was wearing pointed shades, a shirt with a hat on it and a dour expression. He was carrying what looked like a robot dummy with a backwards cap on it. He had the scent of a working day and the look of a man ready to launch a final assault on the rest of it. He nods at you and says, "I saw your set. Pretty funny."

You are taken aback by this casual compliment and try to think of something to say to this surprisingly strapping young man who is looking at you. You give a...let's call it a "smile" and say "Thanks."

The unnervingly hot stranger cracks his neck and looks at the blonde next to him. "Rose, am I on next?"

Rose gave a quick point to the stage. "For the last two minutes. Go on ahead."

The shaded enigma gives you one last nod and walks to the stage. You turn to Rose, who already appears to be texting someone. "Who was that?"

"That was Dirk. He is a member of a dying breed: a ventriloquist."

You look back at the stage and watch Dirk launch into his surprisingly energetic performance. Watching him for a few minutes you can tell that the guy is kind of funny.

And kind of weird.

Fuck.


	2. Heartbreaker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meet Dirk Strider. Enjoy Dirk Strider. Do not get Dirk Strider between your teeth. He is like caramel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter. Wow, who could see this coming? Yes, The Evil One delivers on his promises...except that one. And the other one. And that one was more of a prediction than a promise.

Your name is DIRK STRIDER

 

You were born to handle PUPPETS. From WOOD to FELT to SOCK, you have dabbled in the art of portraying false humans as normal people. Yes, you may have had other interests, ranging from engineering to the ironic watching of children's TV shows, but your one true passion has been VENTRILOQUISM. You have spent entire weekends practicing it, showing it to your friends and family members and spending hours untangling their STUPID FUCKING STRING THAT CAN'T STAY UNTANGLED FOR A FEW FUCKING MINUTES FUCK.

Your friends have joked about you being more than a little interested in your puppets. You have retaliated by working these jokes into your routine. Yes, like the esteemed puppetry giants at TV FUNHOUSE, jokes about SMUPPETS have become the keystone of your sets. While you are almost certain that you would never slide the flesh blade to a puppet yourself, your jokes about it makes the audience feel the perfect mixture of amusement and uneasiness. You could call yourself a sexy EDGAR BERGEN, but you consider yourself too classy than to compare yourself a great man like him.

Right now, your set has finished and you are seated at a table backstage. You are checking your text messages while your BROBOT puppet looks around, unnerving the other performers. You keep checking for any messages from him. Nope, none yet. You know that the break-up was amicable but you expected a bit more of a reaction out of him. Unfortunately, someone takes you preoccupation with your messages as a chance to place both of their hands over your eyes.

What do you do?

 

"Hello Roxy." You say, while still scrolling through your phone as if sight is somehow not required when looking at one's phone.

"This isn't Roxy. This is Big Dick Bob and I'm looking to collect on that favor I did for you back in Cuba." You swear that her behavior was a lot easier to excuse when she was off the wagon.

"Okay "Big Dick Bob", what do you require of me?" 

"Big Dick Bob wants some wings from the back counter. He can buy his own drink."

"If I get you that and some fries, can I have my sight back?"

Roxy dropped the gruff voice and let out a hearty laugh as she takes the hands away from your eyes and embraces you from behind. "I'm not gonna be indoctrinated into your puppet loving by watching your sets, am I?"

You pat her hands and put down your phone. "I already told you that we have pamphlets for questions like that. Where's Dave?"

Roxy pointed at the stage without taking her hands from around you. "He's on right now. How long have you been looking at your phone?"

"Not too long." You say as you look at the clock on your phone, realizing it has been an hour. 

"You really need to put down the brick and talk to some of the guys back here. They're really fun people when you past all the swearing, the smell of beer nuts and the self-loathing."

You turn to look at her as you feel your patience for her trying to get you to be more sociable wearing thin. "I doubt anyone backstage would want to waste their time talking to someone described as "the Bob Saget of ventriloquists" when they could be doing...well, anything else."

Roxy takes her hands from around you and reaches into her shorts. Oh god, she getting out that thing. "Roxy, don't."

"Roxy, yes." She replies as she pulls out her wallet and takes out a small picture. "What do you see here?"

"That's..."

"I'l tell you what you see here. You see a man who life constantly tossed curveballs at and yet he kept swinging. You see a man who united a community whenever he encountered adversity. You see a man who doesn't let his unique appearance get in the way of accomplishing his goals. You see a---"

"Roxy, that's a naked picture of All Star from the Snorks."

Putting the picture back into her wallet, Roxy continues. "That being said, you need to get out of this shell you put around yourself. You can't act like this just because you and Jake...oh! Shit, that reminds me."

You feel your eyebrows involuntarily rise as you try not to get your hopes up. "Reminds you of what?"

"Dave told me that he needs the car tonight so you'll have to get a ride home from someone else."

You try not to look too disappointed as Brobot mockingly drops his jaw at you. "I see."

"Cheer up! If you don't want to ride on the back of my bike you could find somebody else to be your royal chariot. Like that guy, or that guy, or that guy who's acting like he hasn't been looking at us for the last minute or so."

She points at a familiar bespectacled face who nervously waves at you. You stand up and put a hand on Roxy's shoulder as you slide past her, eliciting a snicker from her. You walk up to the man in the Bad Boys shirt and introduce yourself. "Sup."

"Hey." He responds, giving a goofy smile that kinda catches you off guard for a bit.

"Aren't you the guy who was here last week?"

"Hey but I came in this week because I...like frat-boy robots?"

You give a satisfied smirk and ask, "Are you hungry or anything?"

He stroked his chin a little and answered, "I could eat."

"Cool. Because I'll buy food for you if you give me a lift home."

He gives you a gap-toothed grin. "Awesome." 

You begin to walk out ahead of him. "My name is Dirk by the way."

He follows as he gets his keys out of his pocket. "I know. Mine's John. How do you feel about LeAnn Rimes?"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And those I'm in the process of keeping so don't worry about them. I should be able to get to the other stuff in July, don't worry about them. Anyway, more chapters to follow.


	3. Enough with the Pleasantries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a chapter about the wonders of theatre. Nothing to see here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter where...this is when...stuff actually...sorry, the movie I'm watching is getting pretty heated. I'll check in with you all later.

>Be John

 

You wake up in your own bed. It's even messier than usual and it smells like squeezed out gushers for some reason. You get out of bed and stretch as you think. Okay, you went to the Comedy Club, you watched a routine by this chick wearing a skull mask, you saw that hot puppet guy. you both went out for subs, you came back here and you...oh boy. 

You head to the bathroom and take a quick shower, brush the beaver-like monstrosities you call teeth and you dress up in your finest Hard Rock Cafe and blue jeans. Nice blue jeans. Best blue jeans. You could get laid in these jeans. These jeans got your back. They'll never betray you. They'll never force you to confront the elephant in the next room.

...

You have to talk to Jade. 

You creep out of your room, looking around the living area to avoid your predator's gaze. You do a somersault over to the fridge and open the door to serve as a cover. You peek over it and there she is, watering her plants. You decide that you don't have to talk to her right now and quietly retrieve a gallon of milk before crab walking with it to the table. You place the milk on the table while slowly walking back to the fridge to get your Squiddle-Os. You grab it and quickly dash over to the table to put it down. Now you just need to get the bowl. You look at the cabinet, you're at the cabinet, you look at the bowl, you're grabbing the bowl. You're gingerly grabbing the milk-and-cereal carrier so that you do not trigger the alarm of...

"Good Morning John!"

Goddammit, life is a fucking beast sometimes.

"Morning Jade." You answer, preparing your cereal while awaiting the horror to come.

"The guy you had in here last night was really nice." 

"I'm glad that you liked him." You are not glad. You are nervous about how she is approaching you.

"You two seemed to have a lot of fun last night..."

"Well, you know me. I'm a fun guy. Just Mr. Fucking Fun. Not that I fuck fun. I'm just so fun that I grrrkkk---!" Your rambling was cut off due to your older sister putting you in a headlock.

"What did I tell you about bringing company over without telling me?!"

"That...it's...acceptable...under...extenuating circumstances?"

She relaxes her hold to let you speak. "What extenuating circumstances?"

You cough a few times and rub the side of your neck. "He's hot."

The headlock returned in a much stronger form as Jade growled in your ear. "You know that I like to clean up before guests come in here. Remember when we had Nepeta over and a mouse ran right by her foot? Do you have any idea how embarrassing that was?!"

All you can think about is the sweet embrace of Lady Death. 

"I was going to talk to you about this yesterday but all I could hear from your room was, "Thump thump thump thump!"

And now you can die humiliated.

"Don't inform me of company again and I'll bake you into my next steak nuggets! Do you hear me?!"

You try to say yes but all that comes out is "bluh."

"Good." She releases her grip and you gasp for precious, precious air.

"Let's not have this conversation again. Oh yeah, that guy, I think his name was Dirk, he left you this."

She hands you a small piece of paper with numbers on it. You smile as you shovel some cereal into your mouth. "Hey Jade, wanna help me with something for my next set?"

Jade turns toward you with a triumphant expression. "Of course! I'm the best stage tech in the whole damn city! Speaking of it, this other night at the Star Scraper, I..."

"Yeah yeah yeah, that's cool. Anyway, I have an idea for next week..."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow...that was intense. Anyway, say hi to Jade!


	4. Chase

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A complication arises. Let's see our gang of high schoolers dance their way out of this. Wait, is this the right fanfic?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, I love naming chapters. No problem with them at all. Never get stuck in one spot at any time. Just...chase you, i will chase you, i will chase you...

>Still Be John

 

You run off the stage off the stage and let out a happy sigh as you're followed by loud cheers from the crowd. Your set went off perfectly. You and Jade managed to slime an entire audience after a Ghostbusters routine that had the entire audience rolling. This is it. This is the big time. Nothing in the world can bring you down from this moment except that dull pain that feels like you're being tapped with tiny fists from a little person.

It turns out that a person with a cane was tapping you and, judging by how tinted her pointed sunglasses are, she is blind. 

"Oh crap, am I in your way?" You try to move away from the taps, only for them to follow you.

"No, I'm just trying to figure out what this blockage is and apparently, it's you." The tappings stop. "I'm Terezi, the comedian bat. Bats aren't blind but I am. So by that logic, I think the bats owe me money."

"Okaaaaaay...." You struggle to make the situation less awkward by making small talk. "So...what's your routine like?"

"Well, I mostly tell stories about my life and my experiences but sometimes I tell riddles. Would you like to hear one?"

"Sure."

"Alright, what walks on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and three legs in the evening?"

"Uh...a man?"

"No, your mom after I railed her."

You spend a few seconds recovering for that before finally asking, "Are you here by yourself?"

"Weird question but no. My sister is in the back getting us drinks. She's really radical."

You nod before kicking yourself, remembering that she wouldn't get the gesture. You also remember why you're lingering backstage in the first place. "Hey, have you ever seen....HEARD this Dirk guy's act?"

"The guy with the puppets? I really don't get the appeal of his act but some of his stories are funny."

"Yeah, have you seen him around?"

"Oh, didn't you hear? He was picked up by a comedy channel. He doesn't work here anymore."

You feel like the floor beneath you has caved in and also kicked you in the balls. You can't let one tryst be the only good memory you have of each other. There has to be something you can do. Something big, something life-changing...damn, it'll be a lot easier to focus if this stout woman covered in slime wasn't standing near you. 

"Can I help you?"

"You can, actually. My name is Jane Crocker and I represent the Sburb Network."

Oh yeah, that network that's owned by Betty Crocker and replaced that Esquire thing. You shake her hand as you simmer down. "Nice to meet you. I'm John Egbert."

"I know. Your routine up there was one of the finest that I have ever seen. After watching your act, I knew that I had to offer you a place on our channel."

"Really?!" You can't believe this. Just two weeks into your stand-up career and you're already in talks about getting your own show. What an improbable series of events that you'll definitely tell Jade about as soon as she gets back from her stage job for Equus and---

Wait.

Now you can find out about Dirk.

You can track down Dirk and engage in eternal smooches with him.

All you have to do is work on this show and not screw it up.

"Yes really. Meet me at this location tomorrow so that we can talk business." 

She gives you a card with a bunch of info on it. This is it. You're gonna get the job and the guy and all you have to do is not screw it u---

"Hey!" A woman with rectangular shades that so tinted that you would assume that she was blind to if you didn't see her walk over here without a cane out of the corner of your eye. "I saw your act! It was banging, man!" 

"Oh miss, I assure you: There will be a lot more banging mans in the future if I have anything to say about it!"

She's still smiling but she's giving you a weird look. You regret saying that. Terezi is smiling. You regret saying that even more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chase chase chase you, chase chase chase you, chase chase chase you, I've been chasing this dream...


	5. I've Got Plenty of Strings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk begins to feel the pressures of stardom. Who will save him from this well of thread known as showbiz?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Homestuck is still a thing right? Someone please tell me I'm still in touch with the youth.

>Be Dirk

 

You sprawl out on a stool as you move your hand around in circles to crack it. It has been a long day of filming and you're more tired than the idea of love triangles in kids' shows. You eventually get up to get yourself a drink from the vending machine while hopefully avoiding the rush of the producers suggesting things for the show. No, you don't have a Trump puppet and you don't think there needs to be one. And why the hell would you need a Nicholas Cage puppet? Thanks to them, you now have a Bing Crosby puppet, whoever the fuck that is.

You make it to the vending machine without sitting down again and a few choices await you. Do you get:

>An Orange Soda

>A Red Bull

>A Green Tea

>Water

You have a feeling that any decision could change your life in hilarious ways. But what to pick....

>Orange Soda

You buy the orange soda and you don't look back. You drink from it as you pass the doors on the way to the studio lot. You're actually almost finished with it when a loud throat clearing directs your attention above you. There standing on a railing a few feet above you is the guy who you had a one night stand and gave your number to but for some reason, never heard from again. You decide to clear up a few of his issues right now.

"Hey." You say, still looking up.

"Yo!" He answers, nearly losing his footing while still staying up.

"Did you come here to see me?"

"I did, and..." He jumps down, apparently landing wrong as he grimaces while hopping on one leg. "Ah, fuck! And I work here."

You ignore your amusement and give him an inquisitive look. "Why didn't you call?"

You watch as he slaps his own face in frustration. "I lost your number while arguing with a pigeon. It was a food-related manner."

You finally smirk as you lead him away from beneath the railing. "Come on, let's get something for that foot."

"Like wings? Can it be wings?"

>A Red Bull

Against your better judgement, you decide to get a Red Bull. You buy and begin drinking it while walking through the doors. Suddenly, you wonder why you aren't running. You run and crash into your own room. You decide you need to do something but you don't know what it is. Damn it, what do you need to do?! You see your phone. You need to send text messages. But to who? Roxy's out with her friends, Dave's still out practicing his set with Karkat and Jake...Jake. You will text Jake.

You need to text a greeting to Jake. It needs to come off as eloquent, refined and not reeking of desperation. You decide to text, "Sup."

Soon, but not soon enough, he texts back with "Hi Dirk!"

You need to make conversation but how? You decide to go with, "I slept with some guy the other night."

"Um...that sounds like the bees' knees Dirk! Did you have fun?"

"I did. Do you want to see him?" You're destroying that bastard. He is getting so destroyed.

"If you're not too busy then at some time..."

"I'll bring him over to you." You don't bother reading the next message that was sent because you are running out of the studio while drinking the rest of the Red Bull. You ignore the sound of someone calling to you from the railing as you head to your call. You know you have this thing with energy drinks but you still drunk that Red Bull. What's the matter with you?

You get in the car. You have to find John. You need to show him to Jake so that he can see how over him you are. You drive off back to John's house. 

You know that there is no way this mission could backfire.

>Green Tea

You get the green tea and rink while walking past the doors. The bitterness of the drink forces you to take in more details of the doors you are passing. Some have stars, some don't, some have high numbers, some have low numbers, one has blood splatters on it but one door is slightly ajar. You decide to knock on it to take your attention away from this weird ink that passes for a drink. A gentle voice answers "Come in." You obey and walk in to find a small room where a tall woman is sewing up some small clothes for what you presume to be your co-starring puppets. You decide to break the ice.

"That gimp suit looks like it's hard to sew." 

She gives you a small smile before she answers. "It really is. The producers give me limited materials to work with so I just made it with rubber."

You scratch the back of your neck as you focus on the little clothes. "My name's Dirk."

"I know. You can call me Kanaya."

"So you work on the costumes around here?"

"I handle costume production and some set designs, yes. I actually applied for the writer's room when I first came to this project, but when they saw my notebook full of designs, I was put in this department instead."

"You fit here nicely though." You see a photo of Kanaya with another woman on her dresser. As you inspect the picture more closely, you see that the other woman is...Rose? "Friend of yours?"

"That's my wife actually. We went on a trip to the Cape last month."

"Huh..." You think for a bit before finally asking the question you should have asked someone a while ago. "Hey, have you ever had to get over someone who's still pretty close to you?"

"I...there's still...she..." She sighs and gives you a weaker smile. "Just by meeting you, I know that you will figure it out."

You smile at the sheer shittiness of that answer. She puts the puppet aside and stands up. "May you walk me back to my car? There's a guy in dog mask here you likes to jump out and surprise people who are walking by themselves."

You nod and escort the nice woman out to the lot, where a mysterious yet familiar face stood on a railing. 

"Yo." said John as he spotted you and Kanaya, a sight so surprising that he decided to get off the railing and walk down.

"Hey. John right?" You watch him approach with bemusement, as he appears to be embarrassed about getting on the railing in the first place.

"Yeah. I see you've met Kanaya. She helped me get my hand out of the vending machine." You look at Kanaya who just nods.

"So...did you come to visit me?"

"No, I work here now. It's gonna me, you, her and all the puppets against anything that might..."

"OOOGA-BOOGA!!!" A man in a dog mask jumped out of nowhere, not surprising you and just annoying Kanaya, but earns a punch to the face from John.

"Everybody saw him coming right at us right? Right?"

>Water Bottle

You decide to get the water bottle and...and what? How is this water bottle going to solve any of your problems? Face it Dirk, you're over-worked, over-fed and over-run with issues from trying to keep a tight rein on your show to getting over your ex. Your life is stressing you out way too much for any water bottle to help you. Hell, you're just now walking to the lot after five minutes of just staring at a vending machine. You're about to just walk to your car when a "Yo." catches your attention. You look up and see your one night stand standing on a railing, smiling at you. And then you see a guy in a wolf mask jump out and say "OOOGA BOOGA!!!" apparently catching him off guard and causing him to fall, landing right on top of you.

He smiles weakly and says, "Heh. This remind you of anything?"

You sigh and say, "Please get off of me."

He shifts for a bit and says, "...I can't."

Oh boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still cool I'm still cool I'm still cool I'm still...  
> By the way, which drink ending do you want to go with? Let me know in the comments.


	6. Action!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John gets his stuff set up and feels as if stuff has been shoved in him. A common feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Due to popular demand, we're going to go with the green tea ending. Great ending, glad to have written it. You know what else was glad to have been written? Arabian Nights.

>Be John

 

Despite a bit of unpleasantness, yesterday turned out to not suck balls. You managed to talk with Dirk and work out another date night, you met the person working on the wardrobe for your show and someone finally pointed out the vending machine to you. Yup, you think on how things are finally looking up for you while you wait in your dressing room for the meeting with your executive producer. Why, you might even whistle an innocent tune to yourself...

Your whistling is cut short by a knock on the door. "Come in." you say, a little frightened by the idea of anyone hearing you. Jade did say that your whistling sounded like nails having experimental sex with a chalkboard. Anyway, a very tall and very nervous looking man with a fauxhawk walks in.

"H-hello. I'm, uh, Tavros and I'll be taking you to see Caliborn."

Caliborn eh? That must be the name of your producer. You get and put your glasses back on. "Alright. Lead the way man."

Tavros offers you a shaky yet sincere looking smile. "Alright. And don't worry about that, uh, air conditioner. We'll send someone to fix that demonic sounding whistling noise."

It was a very quiet walk to the producer's office.

Tavros opened the door for you and let you in. You were about to thank him , but a booming "LEAVE US!!!" froze you up and sent him scattering after closing the door. You looked around the room and noticed that it looked like more of a lounge than an office. There was a billiards table in the middle of the room, there were neon lights scattered on the walls and the smell of cigar smoke permeated the air. That cigar smoke mystery was easily solved by the man in front of you in the room. He was behind his desk with his back turned to you and his hands folded behind his back. You decide to break the heavy silence by clearing your throat and saying, "You...wanted to see me sir?"

The man, who you presume to be Caliborn, slowly turned his head towards you and grinned. His grinning revealed a gold incisor which freaked you out a bit. He turned even more to get his body to face and walked from behind his desk to get to you. He sized you up for a moment and suddenly hugged you, almost burning you with his cigar in the process.

"John, my boy, my brother!" He pulled away but not before somehow touching your butt, making this moment even more uncomfortable. "Welcome to the Sburb family!"

"Happy to be a part of it." You respond, trying not to let the cigar smoke bother you.

"Listen, I already got the outline of your show. Looks like you're planning on combining stand up with sketch comedy. It's got that whole Dave Chappelle, Demetri Martin, first few seasons of Key & Peele vibe to it."

You smile and nod. Getting compared to the greats is one thing but having someone understand your work is simply the kneest of bees. It's much better than trying to bounce things off of Jade.

"There's just one problem though: your show doesn't have enough ass and you know where you can get ass? Bitches. Your show needs bitches."

This conversation just took a turn somewhere and you're not sure that you like where you're heading. "Uh..."

"We're gonna need up and coming model extras for your sketches and girls in bikinis to walk around the aisles while you're doing stand-up. We'll probably need younger girls for the models. They have nothing going on anyway."

You try to interject. "Wait..."

"And about your humor. You make a lot of references to old movies and TV shows. We're gonna need you to tone that down. People don't want to hear jokes about Ghostbusters or Airwolf. They want jokes about their wives, their farts and about avocado toast or whatever."

"But..."

"And once a show, you're going to have to do something with chili peppers. Chili peppers are in this year and not letting it slide through our fingers like we let Lazytown do last fucking year!"

You stood there as Caliborn continued to throw idea after idea at you, from getting chimps on your show to sponsorship deals and something about how much of a bitch his sister is. You could barely get a show in edgewise until the very end.

"And you know, that's all that I can think of at the moment. I'll throw some more at you when I can think of any more. You got any questions man?"

"Yeah, I have a couple..."

"Then run them by Kanaya. She knows how this place runs almost as well as I do. Me, I got an appointment in a few minutes. Remember what we talked about and raise some hell man!"

He grins at you until you leave. The crushing weight of all those changes push down on your shoulders as you walk out to your car. Will all that happen to your show? Can you let all that happen to your show? Do you have any choice in all that happening to your show? You ponder these questions as a man in a dog mask flinches from your presence as you walk through the lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for commenting and don't forget to check under your bed tonight for Caliborns!


	7. Dial-Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John needs to vent and Dirk needs to...little help? Something that makes sense and rhymes with "vent"?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So cool to be writing this. It reminds me of whenever I watch a comedy special. Am I laughing at them or am I laughing at myself? Depends on the joke!

>Be Dirk

 

You walk back to the couch with a sandwich on a plate in one hand and a can of orange soda in the other. You sit on the end of the couch so that you don't disturb your brother and his boyfriend Smash match. The obscenities that Karkat is already spouting imply that he is not in the mood to be bothered by little things anyway.

"Bullshit! Did I ever tell you how much bullshit is in Little Mac's Final Smash Dave?!" You assume that Karkat is either losing or is on the verge of winning but is being kept from his goal by a little friend wearing green boxing gloves.

"This'll be the tenth time you told me about that. Although, it was nice of you to keep this one clean enough for general audiences." Dave capped off his sentence using his Kirby to send Little Mac flying through the ceiling. You put your sandwich and soda on the table to say something but you're interrupted by the familiar ringtone of Robot Rock coming from your...

"PHONE." Both Karkat and Dave helpfully point out what you're already reaching for. You check the caller ID and you see that it's your werewolf-decking sort-of boyfriend remembering that he has your cell number. You get off the couch and head to the kitchen to take the call. "You've managed to reach Mr. Strider. I share a car with my brother. Where do we go from here?"

"Um...maybe you should get a bike? You do have nice legs." Nice to get some nice confidence boosters from John. Your legs are insanely nice now that you think about it.

"Thanks. You have nice arms. They really add that extra "oomph" to your punches."

Some light laughter came from the other end of the phone before it abruptly stopped. "I talked to Caliborn the other day."

You cringe a bit upon hearing that name. "The "bitches" guy?"

"He wants to change everything about my show. He even wants to get rid of the girl in the salamander suit. You hear that? He wants to get rid of Casey!"

This is the first you're hearing of the salamander suit and you're not sure how it will go over with the crowd...but damn if that doesn't sound disheartening. "Did you try putting your foot down? Telling him that you won't let him put his bony fingers all over your show?"

"I was about to say something but he said I should just give all my complaints to Kanaya. Like she's a producer. Like she doesn't have enough things going on in her life right now!"

 _So basically what happened to me then._ You think this to yourself while trying to come up with something to comfort him with. You eventually say, "Listen, you just need another producer to help you with the stuff that goes on your show. I got one and she's...well, she marches to beat of a different kettle drum but she managed to stop most of Caliborn's changes to my show."

"She sounds sweet. Can I get her on my show?"

"She's tied up in a bunch of other stuff right now but I know a friend of hers that can help you keep most of the stuff in your show."

"...Even Casey?"

"Yes, even Casey.I'll set up a meeting for you two on Friday."

You hear a relieved sigh from the other side of the phone. "You're the best Dirk. You really are just the greatest."

Try as you might, you cannot keep a smile from coming to your face as you state the obvious, "I know."

"Are we still on for Saturday night?"

"Yes we are. And I have the perfect venue."

"Great! Anyway, I gotta go. Jade is mentioning something about dropping one of her pots on a guy outside and I got to talk her out of it."

"Alright John, talk to you later."

"Bye Dirk!"

"Bye." You hang as Karkat and Dave turn back to the TV, acting as if they weren't hanging on every word of the conversation.

"Not to be that guy but we were kinda about to eat your sandwich if you didn't get off the phone in time." Dave stated this like he didn't peel off the crust to eat when he thought you couldn't see him.

"That's what I get for letting you guys think that I'm above violence over food." You sit back down at the couch and begin to eat your meager meal. You think of John and wonder if he can handle the storm that's coming his way. The Red and Blue Hurricane that is heading his way...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments and remember to call a loved one!


	8. Meet Cute

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John meets with the one who can save his show...but who will save his soul?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter, new character, New Coke...from now on, this fic will be sponsored by New Coke.

>Be John

 

You walk into the cafe that Dirk texted you the location of. It looks like a normal hangout with hipsters as far as the eye can see, half the people inside being on their laptops and smell of mangoes somehow overwhelming the smell of coffee. You search around for a person in red and blue shades like Dirk command-texted you to do. You spot a tall guy sitting at a table with two chairs and two cups of coffee on the table. You cautiously walk up to him and wave weakly. "Hey...I'm John. I think Dirk set up a meeting between the two of us and..."

"Sit down and stop fucking talking. Please. As a favor. For the both of us."

You obey for some reason and sit down at the chair across from the oddly shaded one. You point at one of the coffees and stammer out, "I-is this for...?"

"Hey!" You zip it while the man takes a swig from his coffee and sets it back down on the table. "This conversation isn't going to get anywhere with you constantly butting in! Keep it shut or this meeting is adjourned!"

"Sor---" You muffle yourself before you make this situation anymore unnerving than it already is. The man in front of you sighs and scratches his hair.

"Much better. Sorry but if this is going to work, I gotta talk and you gotta listen. Okay, first thing's first, my name is Sollux and I work at Sburb. People bring me in before the shows go on air to make sure they won't poison the masses with their half-baked shit. Your friend told me about the problems you're having with Caliborn on your show. Sucks but listen up: if you want your show to go on the air, you need to make some changes. Change is both a natural part of and the ultimate enemy of television."

Change is nice and all but you really hope that change doesn't mean getting rid of Casey. Kanaya is still working on redoing that costume and she says that'll it take a couple of days to work out the kinks and holy crap he's still talking.

"---And that's why Girlboss was taken off the air. Kid, if you want to stay in the business you need to match blow for blow when you're going up against the execs. And the only way you're going to hold your own is if you're actually funny. Are you funny, kid?"

You start to say something but stop when you remember what he said at the start of this..."conversation".

He sighs again and says, "You can talk now."

You nod and declare, "I know my way around a joke or two."

"Whatever. Just because you know tell a joke in real life doesn't mean you know how to write one for television. Give me a funny scenario."

"Um...a guy gets banned from Cirque du Soleli?"

"That's pretty stupid. How?"

"Well, he starts by..."

"Faster!" He pounds the table, causing a cup of coffee to nearly tip over. You catch it as you listen to the rest of his rant. "That's the thing about comedy. You have keep the jokes coming. Big and fast laughs. Big and fast. The laughs should keep coming or your show will stop running. Do you understand?"

You nod as he takes another swig from his coffee. Maybe Sollux can do without coffee. You don't know, you're not his mother. Just his client.

"Third, from now on, I'm helping you write your show. Two heads are better than one in the biz and this way, you have someone to keep Caliborn from breathing down your neck. My only conditions are no gross-out shit and nothing that makes fun of Wiccans. I had a Wiccan girlfriend once."

Another person working on your show? He can't be as bad as Caliborn but it'll be hard to stick to the original vision when there are more people working on the show. You really hope that it wasn't a mistake coming here like it was a mistake to get coffee on your hand when you caught that cup.

It burns.

"Finally, what you really need to do is find out what sort of sketches you want to do. Do you want to tell a story through your sketches, have your sketches follow a scheme or just random stuff at the wall? You need to figure out what you want to do or your comedy is going to fall apart right out of the gate!"

Sollux takes the coffee out of your still-burning hand and proceeds to take it down in one gulp. He stands up and points at you from some reason. "I expect great things from you Egbert. If I don't get anything good out of you, I will kill you and salt the earth in your garden so that nothing grows there ever again."

He walked off after that. You sat at the table for a while, just drinking in everything he said. Can you handle having your own show after everything he said? Can your show still be good despite the changes? Can...

"M-Mr. Egbert!" 

You turn around and see a familiar face waving at you. Tavros walks up to your table and gives a goofy smile.

"I didn't know that you drink here too! I mostly come in for Cinnamon Thursdays but..."

"Wait..." A lightbulb goes off atop your head...you thought this was a weird place to sit but you get an idea too. You need some new blood to inject into your program and it's standing right in front of you. "Tavros, how would you like a job in showbiz?"

Tavros tilts his head in confusion. Oh, the naivete. "Huh?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! And don't forget to beat the heat by enjoying the taste of the new decade: New Coke!


	9. Gad News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Dirk have their little date while other little things go on around them. Also, viral marketing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ventriloquism seems like tough work. Glad I stuck to my job of cursing pedestrians on the street corner.

>Be Dirk

 

This is a nice restaurant you found. Well, it's not so much nice as it has the best wings outside of Sassacre's place. Still, you just had to try and impress John by ordering the steak. Now you have a stomache and John's not even finished with his burger and what is he even talking about anyway?

"Are you listening Dirk? I asked you what's the hardest part of being a ventriloquist?"

You think for a moment and decide to answer in an ominous voice, "The letter B."

"The letter B?"

"Yeah, when I'm speaking through the puppets, it's hard to pronounce the letter B. Other letters like F and M are also tough but B is the killer one."

"Wow. So how do you get around it?"

"I use a "geh" sound from the back of my throat for it. People usually can't tell the difference."

"Huh. My T's sometimes come out weird because of my teeth but that sounds like a bigger problem."

"It's not as big of a problem as it seems if you practice."

"It still seems pretty harsh though." John took one of his fries and dipped it into the ketchup he was dipping his burger into earlier. "Why did you become a Puppetmaster?"

"Well, first it was because some guy who brought them to life with an ancient Egyptian spell gave them to me but then it was about the audience laughing at something I created. Plus, I feel a special connection to my puppets. They help curb my anxieties onstage, they open up conversations backstage, I honestly don't know what I would be without them."

John grabbed one of your hands and held it. He gave a smile that made you even more quiescent in this one moment. "I know that you will be an awesome person."

John's very presence calms you to the point you can hear waves crashing. Seeing him is like looking at an newly polished dummy that can be sold at antique roadshow and god you need to think up better similes. Anyway, you can't remember the last time you were this happy. Not since you were with...

"Yup." You say prompted by nothing while taking your hand back to get a swig from your glass of orange soda. John just blinked and pulled his hand back too. "Okay..."

You need to break up this awkward moment. Ask him about his...parents? No, he hasn't brought them up. It's weird and they're probably dead. What movie he saw lately? That asshole saw a movie without you? What a pric---wait, shit. 

Quick, he's looking at you. Think of something and think of it quick before he goes back to work on his weird show with the giant salamander and...

"How's your show going?"

"My show? Oh! About that..." He fished his cell phone out of his pocket and went through it to get to a picture. "I managed to enlist Tavros in a marketing campaign."

You look at the picture and see a grown man chasing people in a costume that looks like Slimer from Ghostbusters if he was a slug. "It looks like people are having fun with him."

"They are! We're saving money on ads and more people know about the show! It's amazing! So, how is your show going?"

Oh. Now you're beginning to remember why you avoided the question about TV shows. Guess it's time to let John in on the bad news. "Actually..."

"Hey, look over there! It's Rose and Kanaya!" 

"It's who and Kanaya?" You try to ask him but he's already up and going towards that table. You watch as he makes conversation with the most powerful women you ever met who are not name Roxy and wonder how he can just talk to them without making a fool of himself. Guess that's one of John's talents. He just sees people as people and nothing else.

You watch as he comes back to the table with a goofy smile on his face. It's time to tell him.

"Can you believe they have a house together? In this economy? Hey, what's on your mind Dirk?"

You sigh and give him a sad smile. "Nothing much, except Feferi, my producer, says that my first episode doesn't pull in good ratings, my show is cancelled."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harsh. Anyway, thanks for reading!


	10. To Rebel Against The Sea Itself Is As Much An Act Of Courage As It Is Insanity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John takes his battle directly to Dirk's producer. Let's see if that accomplishes anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why don't any of you trade me recipes for homemade Baja Blasts? I'm starting to forget why I wrote this fic in the first place if not for that.

>Be John

 

You pull outside of a harbor that smells of funnel cakes and cheese fries as much as it smells like the sea. You get out of the car and march along the coast until you reach a paddleboat place. You tell the seller to give you the angriest boat he's got and in return for twenty bucks, he gives you the swan. You paddle out to the house stationed not too far from land and step on board the boat holding up the house. You stomp up to the door and knock on it firmly, ready to give the biggest piece of your mind to an uncaring producer. After a few seconds, you were surprised to find a guy with a Troll-like hairstyle answering the door instead a female executive.

"What the hell do you want?" He asked while giving you a suspicious scowl.

"Um, I'm here to talk about Dirk's show and its impending cancellation and aren't you supposed to be a woman?"

"That's none of your business! Now either get out of here or drown yourself before I..."

"Eridan!" A deep but undoubtedly female voice called from inside. "Who's at the door?"

"Nobody! Just keep making those crabcakes!" Eridan sneered at you. "And what are YOU looking at?"

You try to look past his skinny frame to see inside of the house. "Hey, are you Feferi?"

"Why, yes I am!" A woman with wild hair tied into a ponytail walks up to the door and effortlessly pushes Eridan away from the doorway. "Go check on the crabcakes!"

Eridan fussed and grumbled as he went somewhere in the back. Feferi offered a welcoming grin and asked, "Who might you be?"

"I'm John. I have a show coming up on the Sburb network and I just heard about what happened to Dirk's show and..."

You couldn't finish that sentence because you were pulled into a crushing hug by the wild-haired producer. "YOU'RE John? Oh! Dirk has told me so much about you!"

"Only good things I hope.." You manage to choke out while you're being crushed by the hug. She finally lets you go and you stretch just to get your bones back in place. "I'm here to talk about his show."

"Oh yes! We're both having a lot of fun working on it. The prop department is working hard on the puppets and we're getting writers to..."

"Why is it getting cancelled?"

Her smile faltered but never actually leaves her face. "Dirk's a pretty...subversive comedian. The higher-ups were nervous about giving him a show in the first place but his popularity on the circuit and the empty spot in the summer season meant they pretty much had to hire him. However, because I'm blocking most of the major changes to the show and because he's so new, the execs don't have a lot of faith in him. If his first episode doesn't do well, it curtains for Strider."

You bite your bottom lip as you think. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Maybe if word was spread about his show, he would stand a shot. But now, I just don't know."

A devious plan comes to your head as you smirk. "Oh, I think I know..."

"...What? What do you know?"

"Huh? Oh, I know of a way to help Dirk out of this jam."

"Okay. How?"

"I have my ways." You look up at the sky as you give a knowing smile. "I have my ways."

"All right. And those ways involve what?"

You sigh as your attempts at being vague fall flat. "I'm going to have some help from my sister."

"Oh. Is your sister nice?"

"She is." You deviously grin as you tent your fingers together. "Oh, you better believe she is..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there you have it. Thanks for reading!


	11. Loosening Puppet Strings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for Dirk to get this thing off his chest...and after the arc reactor is removed from his chest, he must confront his ex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's get these short chapters out of the way so that we can have an interesting finale. And the finale will be interesting. Have I ever lied to you? I mean, you specifically?

>Be Dirk

 

Roxy pulls you up outside of the house. Its globe shape never ceases to impress and mystify you. How can someone live in a place like that without having the constant desire to roll it off its hinges? This world will never cease to confuse you.

You get out of the car while taking a deep breath. This has been a long time coming. If you want this thing with John to work, you have to drop this ex faster than a sufficiently sick beat. 

"I'll only be here for ten minutes." You say to Roxy without actually looking at her, still fixated on the shape of the house.

"Alright Dirk. Are you sure you're going to be alright?"

"Don't worry. I've been preparing for this day since I made my "British Grandpa" puppet."

You walk up to the house as Roxy puts the car in park. It's a long walk and you can feel your chest getting slightly tighter with each step. You solider on and eventually reach the door. You ring the doorbell which plays the Jurassic Park theme because Jake is unholy sometimes. You wait a couple of seconds before a familiar bespectacled face. "Hi Dirk! How's every little thing?"

"Jake, we got a lot to talk about. Can I come in?"

"Um, sure." Jake stands aside to let you walk inside. The inside of his house looks like a museum exhibit on a cave dwelling, what with all the birds hanging from the ceiling and the stuff alligators greeting you at the corners. You decide to sit on the couch as Jake walks up to you and offers a sympathetic smile. "You seem tense Dirk. Might I offer you some tea or a few minutes with the boxing bag in the kitchen?"

"No Jake. I actually came in here to talk about...us."

"Oh..." Jake sits down next to you while wearing a worried expression. "What specifically about us do you wish to talk about?"

"Well, it's been a while since we broke up and I know why it happened. I bugged you with my constant texting and calling while you never really opened up to me..."

"I opened up to you plenty! I talked about my favorite movies with you."

"Jake, until the last two weeks of our relationship, I didn't know where you lived."

"Ah...well, your bed is more comfortable than mine."

"I know Jake, I know. But the main reason I came here is to...apologize. I'm sorry for how clingy I got and for trying to cut myself off from you when we broke up. I kept expecting you to be the first one to call back that I forgot that I still wanted to be friends with you."

Jake shook his head and replied, "No, I'm the one who should be sorry Dirk! I was trying to be cool for you that I disregarded your feelings in the process. I didn't call because I thought you never wanted to speak to me again."

"...How about we both admit we were assholes and we just go back to being friends?"

"Sounds like a fair cop to me."

You both look at each other for a moment, then you both broke out into raucous laughter about the whole thing. Jake kept laughing after you stopped for a embarrassing length of time. Eventually, he stopped and wipe his eyes while asking, "So, how's Roxy?"

"She's been doing fine. Has a nice piece about partying as a teetotaler. She's out at the car right now if you want to see her."

"That sounds unbelievably elating!" Jake stands up to lead you out of the Globe and into the street where Roxy is waiting. He knocks on the window and is greeted by an unbelievably elated Roxy.

"Jake!"

"Roxy!"

"What have you been up to?"

"Reviewing movies, what have you been up to?"

"Stand-up! I love your jacket!"

"I love your scarf!"

The two continued on like that for fifteen minutes. You mostly faded in and out of the conversation until you heard something weird out of Jake's mouth.

"...But you should see downtown, it's covered in something Dirk should find very familiar!"

You crack your neck and get in the passenger's seat of the car. "If you're not talking about what I think you're talking about, I think Roxy and I need to take a trip downtown. I'll see you later Jake."

Jake beamed and waved. "See you Dirk! Let's play a game of football sometime!"

Roxy blew a kiss at Jake as she pulled out and drove off. "What do you think is happening downtown?"

"i don't know. I just wanted to go before you guys started talking about movies. We would have been there for hours."

"You dick."

Roxy still took you downtown where you were greeted with the most shocking sight you've seen since you caught a stagehand fingering one of your smuppets. "Uh..."

"What's the matter Dir---whoa..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there you go. Thanks for reading!


	12. Peanut Gallery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened? Jade happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoyed my vacation. Did you enjoy yours? If you didn't have one, I'm sorry. Anyway, see Dirk and John.

>Be John

 

Well, you did it.

Actually, it was not so much you as it was your stage-tech savvy sister but you know what you meant.

You managed to get a dummy on every single one of these buildings down the block. Although you're not quite sure how you did it...even if you didn't do it.

"Jade, how did you get these dummies on the buildings?"

"Using this." Jade picked up a circle with odd prongs in the center and put a rabbit in a vest puppet in the middle of it. She then pressed a button that she pulled out of her pocket, causing it to rocket off to the top of a department store. The prongs released the dummy on top of the store in a sitting position. "I used a similar effect for a showing of Spring Awakening."

"Cool. Ready to commence with Phase Two?"

"I'm already way ahead of you." Jade reached in her pocket and pulled out another button, the blue to the former's red. However, before she could press it, another voice could be heard from behind the two of you. "John!"

You turn around and see that it's your inamorato, Dirk. You smile as he walks up to you with a confused expression. "Hey Dirk. Like what I did with the place? The place being the whole block?"

Dirk scratched his cheek as he looked around. "Yeah, it looks real lovely. But why are they all up on the roofs?"

"Oh my dear, you shall see. You shall see...Jade! Enact Phase 2 forthwith!"

Jade pressed the blue button, causing a loud phrase to be spoken from the mouths of the puppets:

_Catch the Dirk's Brobots on Sburb at September 13th you uglies!_

The words were repeated on a loop as you proudly explained to your boyfriend. "Jade and I came up with this to spread the word about your show!"

Dirk gave you a worrying morose expression. "Is that what this is all about?"

"Of course. I couldn't just stand by and let your show get cancelled right out of the gate. It has everything the public needs: puppets, implied smut, swordplay, witty observations about nerd culture, a gaming corner..."

"Who told you all this?"

"Your producer told me about it when I went by her houseboat. Did you know that koi swim up to it sometimes? She likes to feed them lettuce."

Dirk sighed and put a hand on your shoulder. "John, I appreciate this but you don't have to shout about my show from the rooftops. Enough people will learn about it through word of mouth or through the ads on TV."

"But word of mouth is unreliable! And we can't trust Sburb network when it comes to ads. Did you know that they only showed Equis Tech Shop commercials a few times a week. That's why the show went under."

Meanwhile, Jade started pressing the blue button a lot. "The puppets are starting to talk out of sync with each other."

Dirk gave a small smile. "I don't deserve this, John."

You smile back and state, "You're right. You deserve a lot more than this. You're a genius Dirk and the whole world needs to see your great, perverted and insane vision. You need to show everyone your Rainbow Connection."

"...That was a passable muppet reference."

While the two of you gaze into each other's eyes, Roxy shouts, "They're starting to spit fire! They're Hell's peanut gallery!"

You ignore them as you say, "Dirk?"

"Yes?"

"Let's make them laugh."

The both of you then kiss each other, ignoring the screams of passerby bits of exploded puppets rain down on the sidewalks of the block. You can hear Jade say, "I still count this as a success."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JAY-SUS!!! Thanks for reading.


	13. Thank You, You've Been A Lovely Audience

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alright, let's wrap it up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's see how the story ends and let's see if our parents were right about us. Many things will be found out just by the first word.

>Be Dirk

 

It has been six months since the Dummy Destruction. The street is mostly cleaned up by now, no one has been contacted to responsibilities for the damages and a bunch of kids had new fuel for their nightmares. But the most important thing, according to your boyfriend, is that interest in your show was drummed up. Your show became a meme, if only for its imaginative viral marketing campaign. You took it all in stride though, similar to how you didn't mind when your show was cancelled after only six episodes.

But let's focus on the now, shall we? You're back at Sassacre's, preparing your puppets for your act. Rose is right behind you, chatting it up with your former wardrobe supervisor. Kanaya takes her hand as Rose simply smiles and you begin to wonder what John is up to. You decide to find out for yourself as you head further backstage. Instead of bumping into John, however, you bump into the other Strider.

"Rude. I could have been wearing dye packs again."

"Sorry loser. Do you know where John is?"

"Last time I saw your butt comrade was when he was with Terezi. It sounded like they were talking about audio dramas or some shit."

"Thanks. You clearly suck." You don't stick around to see him flip you off. You instead walk off to find your toothy bastard. However, you once again bump into someone different. Only this time, it's two someones. Specifically, Jade and, John's current assistant, Tavros.

"Hi Dirk. Looking for John?" Jade asked while interlocking her arm with Tavros', who gave a dark-skinned blush.

"Yeah, where is Terezi? I heard she was with him."

Tavros scratched his nose with his free arm and said, "Uh, I saw both of them in one of the tables to the back."

"Thanks. You two enjoy your time out. Jade, don't attach anything unnecessary to Tavros' head."

You walked off as Tavros asked, "What did he mean by that?" Jade of course answered, "Don't worry your pretty helipad head."

You don't bother sticking around to figure out what she meant by that because you were already off to the main room. People were already gathering around and you saw a familiar face in the back along with a woman wearing pointed shades. You headed towards them but you were stopped by a man in red and blue shades putting his hand out.

"Dirk, great to see you again."

"Sollux? What are you doing here?"

"Jesus Christ, can't I go to a place with great wings without being interrogated like a fucking prisoner?!"

"Sorry. It's nice to see you."

"It's somewhat nice to see you too. Sorry about your show."

"It's alright. I'm just glad that I was able to make it past the first episode."

"Hey..." Sollux looked around before facing you again. "You didn't hear it from me, but since a certain D&D player's show is going down the toilet, there might be an opening for your show to come back."

You shake your head before responding, "Thanks Sollux but I think I'm more comfortable on the circuit. These people are good to me, although not as good as..." 

You look for the man who was supposed to finish that sentence but he has seemingly disappeared from his spot near the blind lady. You look around for him before you are suddenly lifted into the air from behind. Two arms wrap themselves around your waist as you held in the air for a brief moment before being let down.

"Hey Dirk!"

"John." You put your hand on his while it's around your stomach. "You have a way of making me feel like I'm up in the air when I'm around you."

"Hey, I just have that effect on people. Aren't you on soon?"

"In...holy shit, in two minutes. I should get going."

"Go get them tiger. Latula and I have a pool running on which puppets you'll use first. And Dirk?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you...asshole."

"That sounded a lot like "I love your asshole and I just wanted to add...me too."

John snickered before giving you a push back in the direction you came from. "Knock 'em dead!" You head back to the back of the stage before grabbing your puppet and your kit. You smile as you think back on how crazy this year was but also how crazy next year will be now that you have John. You wipe the smile from your face as you get into your stage persona. You step out on stage as people cheer your presence. You sit on your stool and whip out your partner-in-crime.

"Hello everyone. Let me reintroduce you to my friend, Lil' Cal..."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading my stupid comedian story and please enjoy the rest of your day. If you want to contact me or give me more ideas for stories, reach me at zawazawanightmares on Tumblr.

**Author's Note:**

> And that's why I can't show my face in Philly. Anyway, please comment and spread hyucks to your friends! More chapters to come!


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